Before you freak out and ask yourself, "Why did she put family in quotes?!" Dun, dun.....Duuuuuuunnn!, and come up with a million theories as to the purpose behind it; I'll start by explaining. Everyone in this world has a good family or can have access to a good family. Family isn't always defined by blood relation. When you read this blog entry and think of your family, I want you to think of the people who support you the most. The people that you go to when your world is falling apart, again, and they take your tears and your mess and they help you scrub away all of the cobwebs that seem to have a hold on your clear mindset. The people who take you back into their arms a million times when you've messed up and they still love you and they still want to be a part of your life. I'm talking about those people. Those are my family. If you don't have people like this in your life yet, please don't give up, it took me 28 years to discover these people in my own life. With this clarified, I'm going to continue on with the blog for today.
My family and I haven't always gotten along. In fact, I always viewed them as my enemy. They never wanted me to be a part of their lives. They always left me out of conversations and some plans. I was annoying to them and they never agreed with what I had to say and never saw things from my perspective. Have you ever felt this way? I felt Unwanted, unloved, as though my presence wasn't required for them to keep living their lives and if I was gone then nothing would change and they wouldn't miss me. I grew up feeling this way. To be honest I'm not sure why. Most of it was the little instances or small circumstances that I dramatically made out to be the end of the world. So, I waited quietly and watched for my opportunity to be someone different or try something new.
For years I hopped from family to family. I tried on different people of different lives hoping to feel that sense of belonging. Along the way I went about it all wrong. Partying, for me, never brought around family like figures. They were cool to hang out, until the party was over. I had a couple of friends that stuck around even after the party was over but mostly it was because I needed to feel hope or they needed something from me. A symbiotic relationship is not a good foundation for true love. I grew empty and tired. Year after year I found myself acting like a broken record practicing the definition of insanity until, finally, I had had enough of myself. I couldn't find a good family because I, myself, was broken. I push people away. I am an expert at thinking the worst of others and believing that in pushing them away I am saving myself from them by exploiting their mal-intentions to use me, make fun of me, cheat me, or leave me eventually. I've done this for as long as I can remember and the truth is I don't know why. But it wasn't until I tried to make friends with other people in the world that I realized my habitual pattern of pushing others away.
Now these dark days are behind me and I have since started to reconnect and even make new relationships with the family I have in my life. The more time I forced myself to spend with them, the more this nasty pattern seemed to dissolve. This isn't to say that sometimes I don't still feel like they are talking about me or don't want me there, because old habits die hard, but I handle it differently. When a thought pattern starts to form in my mind, I tell them about it and they build me up and discourage the thoughts that I don't belong and that, in fact, they want me there and miss me. I can say with confidence that these people are my people. We meet every Tuesday to detox and talk about our lives. We say what has been bothering us and then give suggestions or just listen depending on what the person needs. We see each other on Sunday for church. I spend Wednesdays with my mom baking. I spend Tuesdays with my sisters, niece, and mom. I eat dinner with my other sister twice a week or see movies with her. I see my other niece and nephew once a week and have had tea parties, slime adventures, and swimming dates with them. Being an active part of my family's life has brought a new light into my world and brings me peace and joy. We can communicate and support each other. I am there for baseball games, wedding events and plans, and they are there for my Re-dedication, parties, and book club meetings.
Recognizing the flaws in myself that were berried so deep was a long and miserable journey. Sometimes time and trial and error are the only things that bring our brokenness to the light. I think it's important for everyone to have a strong healthy group of people that you call your family. You don't have to be alone and it only gives that depression and anxiety a stronger hold over your emotions and thoughts. You need family: the ones that would defend you against anyone else, pick you up when your mourning on the floor, lift you up when you are discouraged, bring you joy and sunshine when it's the worst storm of the century, want the best for you, recognize and celebrate you when it's your day to shine. Family shouldn't be the reason we need a drink, or have to lose a couple of pounds, or be the reason we feel inadequate. Family should be the ones that tell us we're beautiful just the way we are and when we talk about losing weight, or being good enough or _______ enough, they should be the ones who say, "No eff that!! Who told you that you weren't?! I'll kick their butt!! You are ________ enough and we love you!!" If you desperately need this in your life, comment below and let's start a new family. One that tells you the truth, you are more than enough. You are so beautifully you and this world wouldn't be complete without you in it!!!
My family and I haven't always gotten along. In fact, I always viewed them as my enemy. They never wanted me to be a part of their lives. They always left me out of conversations and some plans. I was annoying to them and they never agreed with what I had to say and never saw things from my perspective. Have you ever felt this way? I felt Unwanted, unloved, as though my presence wasn't required for them to keep living their lives and if I was gone then nothing would change and they wouldn't miss me. I grew up feeling this way. To be honest I'm not sure why. Most of it was the little instances or small circumstances that I dramatically made out to be the end of the world. So, I waited quietly and watched for my opportunity to be someone different or try something new.
For years I hopped from family to family. I tried on different people of different lives hoping to feel that sense of belonging. Along the way I went about it all wrong. Partying, for me, never brought around family like figures. They were cool to hang out, until the party was over. I had a couple of friends that stuck around even after the party was over but mostly it was because I needed to feel hope or they needed something from me. A symbiotic relationship is not a good foundation for true love. I grew empty and tired. Year after year I found myself acting like a broken record practicing the definition of insanity until, finally, I had had enough of myself. I couldn't find a good family because I, myself, was broken. I push people away. I am an expert at thinking the worst of others and believing that in pushing them away I am saving myself from them by exploiting their mal-intentions to use me, make fun of me, cheat me, or leave me eventually. I've done this for as long as I can remember and the truth is I don't know why. But it wasn't until I tried to make friends with other people in the world that I realized my habitual pattern of pushing others away.
Now these dark days are behind me and I have since started to reconnect and even make new relationships with the family I have in my life. The more time I forced myself to spend with them, the more this nasty pattern seemed to dissolve. This isn't to say that sometimes I don't still feel like they are talking about me or don't want me there, because old habits die hard, but I handle it differently. When a thought pattern starts to form in my mind, I tell them about it and they build me up and discourage the thoughts that I don't belong and that, in fact, they want me there and miss me. I can say with confidence that these people are my people. We meet every Tuesday to detox and talk about our lives. We say what has been bothering us and then give suggestions or just listen depending on what the person needs. We see each other on Sunday for church. I spend Wednesdays with my mom baking. I spend Tuesdays with my sisters, niece, and mom. I eat dinner with my other sister twice a week or see movies with her. I see my other niece and nephew once a week and have had tea parties, slime adventures, and swimming dates with them. Being an active part of my family's life has brought a new light into my world and brings me peace and joy. We can communicate and support each other. I am there for baseball games, wedding events and plans, and they are there for my Re-dedication, parties, and book club meetings.
Recognizing the flaws in myself that were berried so deep was a long and miserable journey. Sometimes time and trial and error are the only things that bring our brokenness to the light. I think it's important for everyone to have a strong healthy group of people that you call your family. You don't have to be alone and it only gives that depression and anxiety a stronger hold over your emotions and thoughts. You need family: the ones that would defend you against anyone else, pick you up when your mourning on the floor, lift you up when you are discouraged, bring you joy and sunshine when it's the worst storm of the century, want the best for you, recognize and celebrate you when it's your day to shine. Family shouldn't be the reason we need a drink, or have to lose a couple of pounds, or be the reason we feel inadequate. Family should be the ones that tell us we're beautiful just the way we are and when we talk about losing weight, or being good enough or _______ enough, they should be the ones who say, "No eff that!! Who told you that you weren't?! I'll kick their butt!! You are ________ enough and we love you!!" If you desperately need this in your life, comment below and let's start a new family. One that tells you the truth, you are more than enough. You are so beautifully you and this world wouldn't be complete without you in it!!!
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