Have you ever felt like you're being attacked? Every time I feel like I'm on a good path doing the right thing SOMETHING happens. You know what I'm talking about? You wake up and decide it's a new day, a new you. This is the day you're gonna be nice to random strangers to spread joy. You get on the highway to go to work and someone cuts you off and proceeds to go 5 miles under the speed limit. Your new day, new you turns into word vomit toward someone else who made a vast judgmental error. In the moment it all felt so right and then five minutes later guilt washes over you and you realize your good deeds were washed away in one fluid moment. So often I view change as a perpetually positive thing. If I just do x, y, or z then my life will be complete and I'll be joyful all the time. I'm writing this blog to remind us that choosing the right path may be the first step but choosing to stay on the right path is a battle. Don't get me wrong, the right path does bring joy more often and in more ways than an unhealthy one but that path is not without its setbacks. I have been posting lots of positive lately, and there is plenty of it to blog about and it's very healthy to focus on the positive. But today I'm posting a real picture of me in a very real dark time to remind us that events are going to take place that make us question if we are doing the right thing or if we are living it the wrong way. Often times, I wonder if I made a mistake in choices when I'm being tested, but my mom always told me that you know you're fighting the good fight when obstacles start to appear in your path that make life seem difficult. I chose not to drink recently when it seemed to be the only option to pull me through a heart breaking time. In the last 3 weeks I've had a huge fight with my husband, had people disappoint me, been bombarded with depression, and had close ones treat me with malice when I am doing my BEST to be good to them and be there for them. One of my biggest hurtles for choosing to stay sober is the same reason I started drinking. How can people be so hateful for no reason? My biggest problem is trying to understand why people do and say horrible things. Sometimes the answer is simple... there is no reason. I stayed awake all night tearing myself into pieces trying to understand and solve a relationship problem. By 6 am I realized something important. It doesn't matter who I am or what my intentions are this person will never like me or even be kind to me. I. CAN'T. FIX. THIS. I can't change their mind about me. There is not enough kind actions, words, or "me" that I can be to change it, but I shouldn't want to. I should be okay with who I am and spend less time seeking the approval of others. I feel better now. Not 100% but better. I was struggling with staying sober during all of these hardships and I was starting to question my goals. I made it through because I prayed, I have a fantastic soundboard in my family and very close friends, and I know who I am and who I'm not. Don't forget that hard times come and while you're in them it may seem like they will never end. You may even question if you brought this on yourself, or ask what you did to deserve this moment. Please know that you are not alone and recovery is a process. You're not crazy. This moment is not a deserved justice being bestowed on you by the cosmos because of something you've done. These moments and feelings are fleeting. Above all, You will feel better once it's passed if you still remain on your path and stay true to who you are trying to be. You won't be perfect, trying is enough. Stay strong and remember that the path will not always be easy and you will come across obstacles that rock your boat and shake your foundation but you CAN do this and this is all a part of the journey. Reach out to someone and share your hard times and your obstacles that usually prevent you from being the best version of yourself. Identifying your "why you do something unhealthy" helps you to choose your weapons to fight the war accordingly. It also helps to hear from loved ones that you are not alone and sometimes it's not you and that you're a fighter and you're gonna make it. I truly hope you have a great week guys :) . Comment below or email me if you just need to vent. Don't bottle or you'll turn to the bottle.
I have never had a green thumb. For the longest time the running joke in my family was that I had a black thumb. Even if I wanted to keep simple house plants alive they’d be deceased within the week. So, you can imagine my positive outlook when I realized that gardening was next on my list of hobbies to try. Before the summer season started a co-worker of mine gave me three plants and said, “It’s impossible to kill them. They will be great for you to learn with.” Of course while she’s encouraging me I’m nodding and smiling but I’m thinking, if only you knew. So I take them home and water them here and there and after a few days they start to wilt. I forgot to put them in the sun. So I rush them outside to give them sunlight, and forget them out there. OF COURSE a frost comes in the middle of spring and turns my plants into spinach. Not the beautiful leafy spinach but the yucky kind, you know, the kind that comes in a can. I remember that I left them outside after two or five days of ...
I love how you say you won't be perfect but trying is enough... so many of us have this perspective in recovery that we got to be perfect... and I myself have fallen into that category... it Is refreshing to see others who share the same perspective your blog is awesome thank you.
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