For the longest time I believed and expressed the fact that I was weird. I loved getting messy, collecting trinkets from antique stores and little shops, playing quest filled video games, writing stories I'd never finish, and singing randomly wherever I went. The world would look at me with confusion and even sometimes disdain but I kept trekking forward. After a while when I realized the majority of the world couldn't process my behavior I began to call myself weird.
At first I glowed at the fact that I was weird. People would invite me into their worlds and I wouldn't go and somehow deep down I felt better for being set apart. After years of this it began to feel lonely. I had family, sure, but they didn't feel like the friends I so desperately wanted. Inevitably I began to dip my toes into the habits and nature of the world. I dressed up and it felt good to look my best. I drank coffee and it made me sophisticated to have this magic substance that never got drank but sat in my hand. Being young isn't a crime. After coffee it was staying out late to hang out. The hanging out turned into parties. Boyfriends became a NECESSITY. To keep them you had to be just the right girl. It all started to spiral and after 10 long years...I woke up.
The world loved me. The only problem was I couldn't stand me. I always woke up feeling guilty and empty. I also had this overwhelming feeling that my body was deteriorating. What had started out as being "young" slowly faded into being aloof, dangerous, and soul depleting. I needed a change. So i cleaned house, so to speak. I got rid of all of the things that I didn't like or that required me to do things I didn't like. I tried new things because I had forgotten all of the weird I so loved.
It's been six months and I am finally becoming someone I love. I can tell you a few hobbies that I like to do. I can stand to be around myself alone for extended periods of time and I like it that way. I've dealt with some unhealthy brain processes and am retraining my brain to deal with situations I don't like. Every emotional battle I conquer brings me more confidence. I am transforming and can FINALLY see a difference.
The world has started to ignore me again. I've realized it's because my lifestyle makes people feel uncomfortable about their own. I've also realized there's nothing I can do to make it better. I just need to be me. Kind. Loving. Forgiving. Joyful. Fun-loving. The ones who stay are my people. I am slowly gaining people. I have my very first game night planned and there will be just games! No alcohol, drugs, or anything else that makes me anxious. It's truly exciting. It took me 6 months to gain a real friend. Most of that battle was accepting the fact that they wouldn't abandon me, get tired of me, or try to change my mind. I felt comfortable. I could sit on the couch and not have to have a plan of escape, a way out, or a sister to call me when I was needed home immediately. It was so nice. I am accepted.
6 months ago I thought I was normal but this, my friends, is normal. The rest of the world is always trying to find a quick fix to ease the stress of the day or a part in their life and it shouldn't be the norm. I get it. I'm writing this so I can encourage you too, Be normal. Love your life normally. Love yourself normally. You don't need an outside stimulant to make the world a beautiful place. You just have to remove all of the unpleasantness and never allow it back in.
Keep going strong my friends. You are on your path to normalcy.
At first I glowed at the fact that I was weird. People would invite me into their worlds and I wouldn't go and somehow deep down I felt better for being set apart. After years of this it began to feel lonely. I had family, sure, but they didn't feel like the friends I so desperately wanted. Inevitably I began to dip my toes into the habits and nature of the world. I dressed up and it felt good to look my best. I drank coffee and it made me sophisticated to have this magic substance that never got drank but sat in my hand. Being young isn't a crime. After coffee it was staying out late to hang out. The hanging out turned into parties. Boyfriends became a NECESSITY. To keep them you had to be just the right girl. It all started to spiral and after 10 long years...I woke up.
The world loved me. The only problem was I couldn't stand me. I always woke up feeling guilty and empty. I also had this overwhelming feeling that my body was deteriorating. What had started out as being "young" slowly faded into being aloof, dangerous, and soul depleting. I needed a change. So i cleaned house, so to speak. I got rid of all of the things that I didn't like or that required me to do things I didn't like. I tried new things because I had forgotten all of the weird I so loved.
It's been six months and I am finally becoming someone I love. I can tell you a few hobbies that I like to do. I can stand to be around myself alone for extended periods of time and I like it that way. I've dealt with some unhealthy brain processes and am retraining my brain to deal with situations I don't like. Every emotional battle I conquer brings me more confidence. I am transforming and can FINALLY see a difference.
The world has started to ignore me again. I've realized it's because my lifestyle makes people feel uncomfortable about their own. I've also realized there's nothing I can do to make it better. I just need to be me. Kind. Loving. Forgiving. Joyful. Fun-loving. The ones who stay are my people. I am slowly gaining people. I have my very first game night planned and there will be just games! No alcohol, drugs, or anything else that makes me anxious. It's truly exciting. It took me 6 months to gain a real friend. Most of that battle was accepting the fact that they wouldn't abandon me, get tired of me, or try to change my mind. I felt comfortable. I could sit on the couch and not have to have a plan of escape, a way out, or a sister to call me when I was needed home immediately. It was so nice. I am accepted.
6 months ago I thought I was normal but this, my friends, is normal. The rest of the world is always trying to find a quick fix to ease the stress of the day or a part in their life and it shouldn't be the norm. I get it. I'm writing this so I can encourage you too, Be normal. Love your life normally. Love yourself normally. You don't need an outside stimulant to make the world a beautiful place. You just have to remove all of the unpleasantness and never allow it back in.
Keep going strong my friends. You are on your path to normalcy.
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