I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I set unrealistic standards for myself and then ridicule myself when I don't meet them. I constantly remind myself of all the mistakes I've ever made, cringing and angry. I ruminate over the terrible things I've done until I feel worthless and like I am the scum of the earth. I push people away because at the end of the day I can't pretend to be the person I want them to think I am. I will never forgive myself and haunt myself with my own fears and past choices. I beat myself up. I actively humiliate myself. I publicly shame myself.
I make my own life miserable every chance I get.
I didn't realize how horrible I was to myself until I had no one to blame for my misery but me. This last weekend I vented to a friend. No, I straight up vomited on her for hours about how disgusting I am and how miserable I make others and how people will never forgive me and how awkward it is to be around them and blah blah blah. I thought it would make me feel better but at the end of the day I left her surrounded by my garbage and I still felt lost, friendless, hopeless, and as though my life had no real worth. RIDICULOUS. I talked to my best friend about all of this on Saturday. She gave me the best advice I could have ever heard in my life.
Friends are friends because you know each other's flaws and baggage. True friendship comes from making mistakes and staying despite what the other person lacks in character. Her point was everyone screws up. Everyone hurts everyone. Everyone lies. Everyone cheats. Everyone steals. If someone judges you for being human then they are not your friends. WOW. This conversation changed my world. I always saw myself as being so terribly flawed that people don't want to be a part of my life. I've always operated under the ability to hide my flaws and only present the best parts of me. I thought that's what everyone else did. But they don't. People aren't perfect. If you broke up a friendship every time someone screwed up then you wouldn't have any friends.
That's me in a nut shell. I don't have any friends because I believe friends should be perfect. The people I have in my life I hold at arm's length to protect them and myself. I also hold other people to my own ridiculous standards and when they disappoint me, like I disappoint myself, I either quit talking to them or create an even larger space of distance between us. I have no human contact and then am shocked and upset when I have no friends. I am a walking contradiction. This weekend I gave up the idea that I have to be perfect. I also gave up the idea that others have to be perfect for me to accept them into my heart. If I keep waiting for either of us to be perfect then I will never have friends. If you are being unfair or way too hard on yourself. If you are holding a grudge and refuse to let it go and are actively haunting yourself with every step you take or with every interaction you find yourself a part of with that person you feel shame towards...STOP. Forgive yourself. They have and, trust me, they don't think about you. As awesome as we are, we are nowhere near important enough to be on everyone's mind from one waking moment to the next. Make friends. Keep friends. And for God's sake, let the past go. You don't live there any more. It doesn't define you or control you.
This month I am going to put in real effort to open my heart up to people and put myself out there. I know it's going to disappoint but I can do this knowing I will disappoint as well. I can do this. I can be human. What other choice do I have? This is the existence I was born into. I will stand proud and be me, flaws and all. I LOVE my scars. I LOVE my flaws. I LOVE my past. Most importantly, I LOVE myself. Until next time be YOU with beauty and flaws and strength.
I make my own life miserable every chance I get.
I didn't realize how horrible I was to myself until I had no one to blame for my misery but me. This last weekend I vented to a friend. No, I straight up vomited on her for hours about how disgusting I am and how miserable I make others and how people will never forgive me and how awkward it is to be around them and blah blah blah. I thought it would make me feel better but at the end of the day I left her surrounded by my garbage and I still felt lost, friendless, hopeless, and as though my life had no real worth. RIDICULOUS. I talked to my best friend about all of this on Saturday. She gave me the best advice I could have ever heard in my life.
Friends are friends because you know each other's flaws and baggage. True friendship comes from making mistakes and staying despite what the other person lacks in character. Her point was everyone screws up. Everyone hurts everyone. Everyone lies. Everyone cheats. Everyone steals. If someone judges you for being human then they are not your friends. WOW. This conversation changed my world. I always saw myself as being so terribly flawed that people don't want to be a part of my life. I've always operated under the ability to hide my flaws and only present the best parts of me. I thought that's what everyone else did. But they don't. People aren't perfect. If you broke up a friendship every time someone screwed up then you wouldn't have any friends.
That's me in a nut shell. I don't have any friends because I believe friends should be perfect. The people I have in my life I hold at arm's length to protect them and myself. I also hold other people to my own ridiculous standards and when they disappoint me, like I disappoint myself, I either quit talking to them or create an even larger space of distance between us. I have no human contact and then am shocked and upset when I have no friends. I am a walking contradiction. This weekend I gave up the idea that I have to be perfect. I also gave up the idea that others have to be perfect for me to accept them into my heart. If I keep waiting for either of us to be perfect then I will never have friends. If you are being unfair or way too hard on yourself. If you are holding a grudge and refuse to let it go and are actively haunting yourself with every step you take or with every interaction you find yourself a part of with that person you feel shame towards...STOP. Forgive yourself. They have and, trust me, they don't think about you. As awesome as we are, we are nowhere near important enough to be on everyone's mind from one waking moment to the next. Make friends. Keep friends. And for God's sake, let the past go. You don't live there any more. It doesn't define you or control you.
This month I am going to put in real effort to open my heart up to people and put myself out there. I know it's going to disappoint but I can do this knowing I will disappoint as well. I can do this. I can be human. What other choice do I have? This is the existence I was born into. I will stand proud and be me, flaws and all. I LOVE my scars. I LOVE my flaws. I LOVE my past. Most importantly, I LOVE myself. Until next time be YOU with beauty and flaws and strength.
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