This Friday will be 10 months of sobriety. I am so excited!! With this excitement comes the dread of...okay, what comes next? I thought that in being sober all of my questions would be answered, all of my issues would be resolved, and my life would be this happy go lucky thing. I'm not going to say my life hasn't improved dramatically because it has. I'm healthier than I have been in a long time and I have longer moments of happiness, but I feel myself becoming bitter. More bitter with every passing day. I know why I drink now. I can write you a list right now. Knowing is only half the battle. Choosing to stop drinking was only the beginning. If I want this problem to get resolved I have to fix the causes. So here I am...What now?
I have identified the problem but there is no one easy fix. I can't stand how people treat me. I've allowed it for so long that they see it as normal and I've been drunk for so long that I'm numb to it. I can't stand how other people talk to me, what expectations they have for me, how selfish and disgusting they can be, their ridiculous view that I'm stupid or incapable...I cannot STAND people.
So be a recluse! Get rid of all the people in your life that make you feel these feelings. Right? I've thought about it. So get rid of everyone? My family, my husband, his family, his friends...then what? Won't that make holidays awkward as hell? Wouldn't that create friction between my husband and I? To be honest, I don't think our relationship could survive me standing up for my mental health :(. I know...that's sad. So then I have to ask...is my sobriety worth losing everyone...and I mean every last person in the world except for my mom and a friend. When should you just decide whether drinking is better because it means everyone's happiness is more important than my own?
I can hear you back there! Woah!! That's extreme!!!! You don't have to cut ties with people. Have a conversation with them and they'll do better because they're your <-- fill in the blank-->. I've tried. If I had kept a log of all the conversations I've had over the past year the scroll bar on my Excel Sheet would be really small. Then the next time they are irritated with me or put their feelings before mine they use the fore mentioned conversations as ammunition to break me down even further.
I sat down and cried today. I cried for HOURS yesterday. I just want to pack my crap, get in a car, and drive until I am so far away that no one can find me. I want to start over and try again. I want a new life. Being sober has given me insight but now I don't know what to do with it. I'm also getting older. I'm going to be 30 in a year and I have nothing but lost time to show for it. No kids, no goals, no travel plans. Every happy plan I've made has been set on fire and pissed on by others. I know I shouldn't let other people take away my joys but God it's so EASY for me to depend on other people's opinions of me.
So here I sit, two months before my goal date and I've already begun to ask myself, where will I go, what will I do? Do I keep using alcohol to mask the pain or mask my sensitivity, or do I continue to be sober and feel every ounce of pain and know change will never come, or do I choose to be sober and leave. I would move to Florida. Beach side. watch the waves crash and pretend that I never knew any of them. Option 3 is looking really nice right now but I know that my guilt will never allow me to do it. How do I make my life better where I'm at now? Alcohol may not be the answer but it's pretty damn tempting right now. Any advice? I'd love it!
I have identified the problem but there is no one easy fix. I can't stand how people treat me. I've allowed it for so long that they see it as normal and I've been drunk for so long that I'm numb to it. I can't stand how other people talk to me, what expectations they have for me, how selfish and disgusting they can be, their ridiculous view that I'm stupid or incapable...I cannot STAND people.
So be a recluse! Get rid of all the people in your life that make you feel these feelings. Right? I've thought about it. So get rid of everyone? My family, my husband, his family, his friends...then what? Won't that make holidays awkward as hell? Wouldn't that create friction between my husband and I? To be honest, I don't think our relationship could survive me standing up for my mental health :(. I know...that's sad. So then I have to ask...is my sobriety worth losing everyone...and I mean every last person in the world except for my mom and a friend. When should you just decide whether drinking is better because it means everyone's happiness is more important than my own?
I can hear you back there! Woah!! That's extreme!!!! You don't have to cut ties with people. Have a conversation with them and they'll do better because they're your <-- fill in the blank-->. I've tried. If I had kept a log of all the conversations I've had over the past year the scroll bar on my Excel Sheet would be really small. Then the next time they are irritated with me or put their feelings before mine they use the fore mentioned conversations as ammunition to break me down even further.
I sat down and cried today. I cried for HOURS yesterday. I just want to pack my crap, get in a car, and drive until I am so far away that no one can find me. I want to start over and try again. I want a new life. Being sober has given me insight but now I don't know what to do with it. I'm also getting older. I'm going to be 30 in a year and I have nothing but lost time to show for it. No kids, no goals, no travel plans. Every happy plan I've made has been set on fire and pissed on by others. I know I shouldn't let other people take away my joys but God it's so EASY for me to depend on other people's opinions of me.
So here I sit, two months before my goal date and I've already begun to ask myself, where will I go, what will I do? Do I keep using alcohol to mask the pain or mask my sensitivity, or do I continue to be sober and feel every ounce of pain and know change will never come, or do I choose to be sober and leave. I would move to Florida. Beach side. watch the waves crash and pretend that I never knew any of them. Option 3 is looking really nice right now but I know that my guilt will never allow me to do it. How do I make my life better where I'm at now? Alcohol may not be the answer but it's pretty damn tempting right now. Any advice? I'd love it!
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