This Friday will be 10 months of sobriety. I am so excited!! With this excitement comes the dread of...okay, what comes next? I thought that in being sober all of my questions would be answered, all of my issues would be resolved, and my life would be this happy go lucky thing. I'm not going to say my life hasn't improved dramatically because it has. I'm healthier than I have been in a long time and I have longer moments of happiness, but I feel myself becoming bitter. More bitter with every passing day. I know why I drink now. I can write you a list right now. Knowing is only half the battle. Choosing to stop drinking was only the beginning. If I want this problem to get resolved I have to fix the causes. So here I am...What now? I have identified the problem but there is no one easy fix. I can't stand how people treat me. I've allowed it for so long that they see it as normal and I've been drunk for so long that I'm numb to it. I can't stand how othe
I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I set unrealistic standards for myself and then ridicule myself when I don't meet them. I constantly remind myself of all the mistakes I've ever made, cringing and angry. I ruminate over the terrible things I've done until I feel worthless and like I am the scum of the earth. I push people away because at the end of the day I can't pretend to be the person I want them to think I am. I will never forgive myself and haunt myself with my own fears and past choices. I beat myself up. I actively humiliate myself. I publicly shame myself. I make my own life miserable every chance I get. I didn't realize how horrible I was to myself until I had no one to blame for my misery but me. This last weekend I vented to a friend. No, I straight up vomited on her for hours about how disgusting I am and how miserable I make others and how people will never forgive me and how awkward it is to be around them and blah blah blah. I thought i