Beautifully Me and Sober

This Friday will be 10 months of sobriety. I am so excited!! With this excitement comes the dread of...okay, what comes next? I thought that in being sober all of my questions would be answered, all of my issues would be resolved, and my life would be this happy go lucky thing. I'm not going to say my life hasn't improved dramatically because it has. I'm healthier than I have been in a long time and I have longer moments of happiness, but I feel myself becoming bitter. More bitter with every passing day. I know why I drink now. I can write you a list right now. Knowing is only half the battle. Choosing to stop drinking was only the beginning. If I want this problem to get resolved I have to fix the causes. So here I am...What now? I have identified the problem but there is no one easy fix. I can't stand how people treat me. I've allowed it for so long that they see it as normal and I've been drunk for so long that I'm numb to it. I can't stand how othe...

I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I set unrealistic standards for myself and then ridicule myself when I don't meet them. I constantly remind myself of all the mistakes I've ever made, cringing and angry. I ruminate over the terrible things I've done until I feel worthless and like I am the scum of the earth. I push people away because at the end of the day I can't pretend to be the person I want them to think I am. I will never forgive myself and haunt myself with my own fears and past choices. I beat myself up. I actively humiliate myself. I publicly shame myself. I make my own life miserable every chance I get. I didn't realize how horrible I was to myself until I had no one to blame for my misery but me. This last weekend I vented to a friend. No, I straight up vomited on her for hours about how disgusting I am and how miserable I make others and how people will never forgive me and how awkward it is to be around them and blah blah blah. I thought i...

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be addicted. There's a huge stigma around having an addiction or being an addict. It's as though people believe that being an addict or having an addiction is meant to go unspoken or meant to be looked down upon. The truth is, everyone has an addiction. Think about that for a moment. Everyone has a boiling point. Everyone turns to something when they can't handle what's going on in their life. For me, it was alcohol. Every time life became too hard or too messy, instead of dealing with the problem, I would drown them. My body learned what I was teaching it and began to exacerbate every little life moment in hopes that I would feed the same monster over and over again in the same way. Not good. However, studies have shown the same reaction with cigarettes, drugs, sex, sugar, chocolate, caffeine spending, and even diet and exercise. The point is any and every thing in life is only good in moderation and not meant to be ...

One of the events I've tried to master is throwing a party without drinking. I actually love everything about parties. I enjoy watching my guests have a great time. I have a blast making snacks that take 2 hours to prep for and even longer to perfect and make. I am excellent at all of the usual party games: beer pong, flip cup, quarters, cards, 2 truths and a lie, and most board games. You name it I've played it and who doesn't love winning all the time? Lastly I enjoy hosting and being able to play DJ. I'm a nurturing soul anyways, when I'm throwing a party that's my whole job. I love listening to people and then either helping them confront their problem head on or convince them to move forward. I LOVE it ALL. The problem comes from one of two things: one, you throw a party and do not have alcohol or two, you throw a party and allow alcohol. Both avenues are problematic for me. The first option repulses most guests. People can be your BEST FRIENDS but if giv...

For the longest time I believed and expressed the fact that I was weird. I loved getting messy, collecting trinkets from antique stores and little shops, playing quest filled video games, writing stories I'd never finish, and singing randomly wherever I went. The world would look at me with confusion and even sometimes disdain but I kept trekking forward. After a while when I realized the majority of the world couldn't process my behavior I began to call myself weird.  At first I glowed at the fact that I was weird. People would invite me into their worlds and I wouldn't go and somehow deep down I felt better for being set apart. After years of this it began to feel lonely. I had family, sure, but they didn't feel like the friends I so desperately wanted. Inevitably I began to dip my toes into the habits and nature of the world. I dressed up and it felt good to look my best. I drank coffee and it made me sophisticated to have this magic substance that never got drank ...

I have never had a green thumb. For the longest time the running joke in my family was that I had a black thumb. Even if I wanted to keep simple house plants alive they’d be deceased within the week. So, you can imagine my positive outlook when I realized that gardening was next on my list of hobbies to try. Before the summer season started a co-worker of mine gave me three plants and said, “It’s impossible to kill them. They will be great for you to learn with.” Of course while she’s encouraging me I’m nodding and smiling but I’m thinking, if only you knew. So I take them home and water them here and there and after a few days they start to wilt. I forgot to put them in the sun. So I rush them outside to give them sunlight, and forget them out there. OF COURSE a frost comes in the middle of spring and turns my plants into spinach. Not the beautiful leafy spinach but the yucky kind, you know, the kind that comes in a can. I remember that I left them outside after two or five days of ...

I spend a lot of my life in the loudest silence possible. I've been sitting in my seat for the last three hours completely enveloped in my internal conversations, thoughts, and conflicts. I had no idea how quiet I actually was until I realized that, while I was deeply involved with my own conundrums or dreams, I would not say one word outwardly for hours on end. This is not necessarily a bad thing, on the contrary sitting in silence can help you unravel your day. Sometimes I wonder though if, in my silence, I am creating more destruction to my healing than rebuilding. To figure this out I saw no other choice but to.... TRY AN EXPERIMENT 🤔 I keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings. I do this to figure out on my bad days what triggers or activities took place to bring about a not so good day. I also do it to assess situations that I could have handled better and write down about 5 choice responses to have fresh at the forefront of my mind for the next confrontation. I kept trac...

Close your eyes. Breathe in deeply through your nose and release it. Do this a couple of times just paying attention to the back of your eye lids or how good the deep breaths feel. Now open your eyes. Does the world seem different? I've been told that taking time for yourself is like creating a new beginning. Every time you do something for yourself it's like the world starts over and you're allowed to hope again. Self-care is something I've been researching for the past year. As a teacher it's imperative to the profession to rejuvenate yourself for fear of succumbing to the ear piercing, nails on chalkboard peril that awaits you. Self-care was a luxury I couldn't afford back in February. I understood the importance of taking time for myself but never did it. Any more I have to make time for myself or I become easily irritated, sensitive, and just childish. Childish you say?? Yes! That kind of childish where you're sitting on the couch, looking around with t...

Have you ever felt like you're being attacked? Every time I feel like I'm on a good path doing the right thing SOMETHING happens. You know what I'm talking about? You wake up and decide it's a new day, a new you. This is the day you're gonna be nice to random strangers to spread joy. You get on the highway to go to work and someone cuts you off and proceeds to go 5 miles under the speed limit. Your new day, new you turns into word vomit toward someone else who made a vast judgmental error. In the moment it all felt so right and then five minutes later guilt washes over you and you realize your good deeds were washed away in one fluid moment. So often I view change as a perpetually positive thing. If I just do x, y, or z then my life will be complete and I'll be joyful all the time. I'm writing this blog to remind us that choosing the right path may be the first step but choosing to stay on the right path is a battle. Don't get me wrong, the right path do...

Before you freak out and ask yourself, "Why did she put family in quotes?!" Dun, dun.....Duuuuuuunnn!, and come up with a million theories as to the purpose behind it; I'll start by explaining. Everyone in this world has a good family or can have access to a good family. Family isn't always defined by blood relation. When you read this blog entry and think of your family, I want you to think of the people who support you the most. The people that you go to when your world is falling apart, again, and they take your tears and your mess and they help you scrub away all of the cobwebs that seem to have a hold on your clear mindset. The people who take you back into their arms a million times when you've messed up and they still love you and they still want to be a part of your life. I'm talking about those people. Those are my family. If you don't have people like this in your life yet, please don't give up, it took me 28 years to discover these people in...

You know those memes about basic women with their one dish of Fettuccine Alfredo? Well....that's me. I lure men in with my feminine wiles and one signature dish of Fettuccine Alfredo. By the time they realize I can only cook five things and am not as chill as I pretend to be, they're hooked. Now that I have the title "wife" I feel like this is a HUGE part of my millennial life that needs to be more adulty. I need more than 5 dishes to feel like I've earned this title. So I called my mommy to render aid. You may remember her as the woman who walks into the room and a hundred angel choruses sing because she's the picturesque view of everything perfect. Yes, I called in... the BIG GUNS. There are three recipes I've been able to learn in the past couple of weeks. Baking was the main priority as I love to bake but I want to venture past cake and brownie mixes from boxes. I've baked banana bread, coffee cake, and Oreo balls. All three have turned out reall...

Let me start this entry by saying a hard and fast truth about myself. I am a huge, beyond abnormal, weenie. When it comes to animals, people, or even inanimate objects I am completely hypersensitive. So when I tell you that I tried fishing and shooting guns please understand it was catch and release and I fired guns at targets in a shooting range. Yes!! I went fishing! So let me level with you about this hobby. I used worms and that was...interesting. Putting them on the hook was hard. Worms are squishy and change shape so easy and a small part of me was terrified they would slip into my nail bed and kill me. Okay... I'm being deeply dramatic! But, it was so hard to put them on the hook and not do a shuffling dance every time. I even tried giving the worms a pep talk like, "Okay, I know this isn't fun and I'm really sorry about this but we can do this. NOOOO!! Don't do that (as they wriggle from my hand). You're not being a team player right now Mr. Worm....

   The next item on my list of hobbies to try is planning and going on trips! I had two trips planned and, of course they were back to back. I am not very good at this expert planning business. I'm definitely going to have to work on my ability to coordinate time frames better. Of course I'm sure this will get better as I go along, 🙄 hopefully. But, adultiness can't be accomplished in a day so I have to be patient with myself. Any hooskies, back to business.    My husband and I had planned to go to Missouri to see one of his good friends and hang out. He always wants me to come with him every where he goes and this makes me feel welcome and loved but I'll admit, I was a little apprehensive to go on this trip. Firstly because he and his friends make every event into a brothel and secondly because of my social anxiety. I'm always awkward but this occasion was special. You see, I wasn't sure if his friend was going to remember the one thing I did that one time on...

Hello All! Today is two months and it feels really good! I have a secret for you today...are you ready for this?? If left alone my mind controls my life. Is this you too? You sit on the couch for a few minutes after work. One moment you're detoxing from work by thinking about why your co-workers' panties were all in a bunch and the next thing you know your brain has spiraled into, "My life has no MEEEEEEAAAANNNIIIING *insert uncontrollable sobs here*." Oh yeah! I'm the queen of depression, anxiety, and ruminating when I am in a closed house in the eerie quiet. I had to find a way to combat this, apart from the previous choices that lead to disaster before. I realized I don't have any goals. I have no life goals, no bucket list items to check off and feel like I am contributing to my life. Today the advice is, if you don't already, Make a List of Goals For Self Growth. I know, I know, easier said than done. Your list doesn't have to change the world o...

Happy Music Playlist:   https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXpWSRr9kUKrZvs8Ssm6VYA9PLDhHH-fl          Take some of my list and save it to your own happy song list. Rituals are important. Staying busy and feeling connected is a part of growing up :) Below are a list of rituals I've begun. Enjoy and feel free to adapt them to your life 1. COFFEE WITH A FRIEND - Have you ever watched the show Friends and wanted a cool hang out spot like they did? I've thought about getting coffee or breakfast in the same spot everyday but then reality sets in and I remember that my bank account can't afford this. Nevertheless this was the next adventure on my list. I had this best friend that was my little ray of sunshine. She would encourage me when I was down, lift me up, spend time with me, and pray for me. We became like sisters up until she moved away to pursue her career as a teacher. I since have been able to be her little ray of sunshine as she goes through...

I mentioned before that I was wrong to think I could do this on my own. I'm going to be weak and have moments where I don't think I have a problem. Typically this happens because I want to be like everyone else and just have a couple, but for me "a couple" is not in my vocabulary. Last Sunday I taught Sunday School for a couple of kids that go to my church. Usually, my mother leads it or my sister, but both of them were out of town. I felt a nagging sensation to lead it in their stead. My first thought, "Okay, but what do I teach them?" Being a teacher does not mean we have lesson plans stashed away in our brains for a rainy day. It's not like there's a filing cabinet in my brain I can thumb through until I find the right lesson. Needless to say I felt hesitant and unworthy to teach. Mind you, this is all a 3 minute conversation that took place in my head. I started going through the usual stories that kids learn at church, David and Goliath, Ad...

The first thing I did upon getting sober again was reach out for help. Something that is a must when you can't quit on your own and you've tried is getting a support group. My support group is AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). You need a group of people who understand where you're coming from, have great words of wisdom, and will console instead of judge. Plus! Going to the meetings is like free therapy almost. You get to spill your guts about what holds you back AND you have people listening who have walked where you tread. You'll get advice from someone who can identify with you instead of speculate. The people I had surrounding me didn't support me in staying sober. This was a huge problem and was one of the many reasons I backslid.  I go now, twice a week, schedule permitting. They have said that you should go everyday and work through the twelve steps to be the strongest version of yourself, but for now two days a week is working for me. If I start to get the notion...

You know the old saying, "Failure ISN'T an option!"? Something I always tell my kids is that we are human, this means we make mistakes. This phrase is all fine and dandy for them because they are learning new things but as an adult I should be damn near perfect! HA. The only way our brains learn is by failing and making mistakes. The center of my alcoholism is having unrealistic standards for my journey. When I don't meet the expectations I have set for myself, I become morose. I know it's been a while since I posted last but if you were unable to guess, I failed. I drank. The problem isn't so much in the fact that I drank but rather in the fact that I wallowed in it for a good month. When I drink I get depressed and then use alcohol to make myself feel better. Which, for those of you that can identify, you know will only make things worse. I knew it was going to make things worse. After a month I was quickly reminded why I quit drinking in the first place and...

Good evening fellow members on the path to a beautiful you! Along my journey I have hit a few bumps, minor setbacks, and self doubt, but I am happy to say that I sit here before you now filled with hope and spending each day with more of it than I have had in a long time. I am definitely starting to see a change in myself and my relationship with my husband. More of my days are spent care free and joking. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days that I crave my old life and I want to rip, tear, and break everything and everyone in my path for absolutely no reason. But, those days are starting to become fewer and far between. My work life has been slightly hectic and I have been working on a new endeavor or two so I have been remiss in my posts but I am ready to clue you in for the newest adventure into...duh duh duh duuuuuhhhh! ADULTHOOD!! *Superhero cape flaps in the wind*. Okay, okay I'm no superhero but I had to make sure you were still awake. The key to getting start...